Travel Story

Homeless for A Night in Hong Kong

I took the subway from Shenzhen down across the border to  Hong Kong with a Latvian guy named Rudolph. He called himself James most days to maintain the appearance of a native English speaker at his schools but nothing could really hide his noticeably thick accent simply because the over enunciated rolls he used with his “R’s”. 

He resembled a modern day vampire if they indeed had a certain look. Slicked back dark hair and shiny blue eyes. He always wore a black button up long sleeve shirt which kind of made him look more like a magician rather than a vampire at certain angles. However, nothing was better than his one silver hoop earring and eyebrow ring combo. That really glued together whatever the fuck look he was going for.

This man was the epitome of what most of the expats referred to as ‘sexpats’. You couldn’t roll a conversation with this guy about anything at all without him somehow twisting it into a story about him fucking or trying to fuck a Chinese girl. He would do this thing with his eyebrows as you talked that was fascinatingly annoying. He would jerk them upwards in quick successions giving off the quick impression that he couldn’t wait to hear you shut the fuck up so he could cram another self-gratifying sex conquest tale into your ear. Needless to say, I spend most of the evening quiet and observant just watching those daunting little vampire brows mock me with their minacious little spasms.  

To my surprise, he managed to pick up a HK girl at the metro stop near Central when we had finally got through immigration and made it to the other side. She was a bit soft spoken but ready to party. We trekked up the long hills to the crowded area of bars and nightlife and it started raining lightly just as we made it. 

The three of us went into 7-11 and bought some Baijui along with tall glass bottled beers before we quickly began smashin’ them just outside the store under the awning that gave us a slight bit of shelter from the rain. Off in the distance you could see a wild eyed fat women come running down the hill from above screaming excitedly before her wedged shoe folded sideways and she face planted forward like a cow being tipped. Gravity sucked at her like a vacuum. I could see her future; the drunken Karen ruining the neighbors house party by blasting herself onto the slip n slide taking out about a half dozen children on the way down. 

We kept sucking down the rice liquor and beers and I listened as the Latvian vampire worked his magic on the unsuspecting girl. Eventually, a little Indian man appeared followed by a heavy set black guy shortly after. They were obviously in cahoots together and I knew a sales pitch was coming.

The black guy was trying to push his mix tape and the little Indian was trying to sling blow. But I didn’t want a mix tape and I didn’t want dirty pocket sand. Luckily Rudolph was happy to speak up first. 

“My friend, my girlfriend break up with me today. I’m not in mood for CD or drugs. Hard day, yes?” He said in his heavy accent. 

This kind of odd dialogue went back and forth a while before the black guy ended up giving him a free CD and leaving. The god damn vampire swindled the swindlers. 

“Your girlfriend broke up with you today?” I asked.

“No,” he laughed menacingly “I lie for easy way.”

Just then another big and proud girl woman came wondering up the hill. She sucked on that beer in her hands like it was a genie dick granting wishes. It was hard to miss her with that big black and yellow dress she had on too. A big black, sexual bumble bee hovering up and down the roads. She moved over to the alley way that was right beside the 7-11 and I could feel her eyes coming our way. 

Of course we wound up talking to her and we found out she was from Nigeria and she had lived in Hong Kong for two years and that she also had a special trick. She bit the bottle cap off of the glass Corona bottle with her teeth and then spat it to the curb below with a big drool stream sticking from her lip to the rim. Her giggle made me feel like there was an Adam’s apple hiding somewhere under the turkey gobbler. She offered both of us blow jobs for cash in the alleyway but I wasn’t ready to pay the troll toll so I had to respectfully decline. 

The rain began pouring heavily, the roads emptied and the girl left and it was back to me and the magic vampire. We realized we couldn’t rent a hotel with the amount of cash we had left and the subway was already closed so we wandered up the rainy streets looking for a park. We found ourselves at a closed botanical garden and jumped the fence and found shelter under a bridge that was inside the area. 

We decided to stay there for a while until the rain stopped but it never did and the next thing I know I’m waking up at sunrise with a rat crawling over my foot and my clothes completely stained brown from the grime that I had rolled around in when it was dark the night before.

We finagled our way out which proved to be a bit difficult because the place was now open for business and they had employees at the entrances and walking the area. We had to pass one lady on the hill down under the yellow groove bamboo. There was a look of suspicion as she eyed down two filthy foreigners wailing along such a beautiful place. We definitely looked like pieces of shit but it sure did seem like a beautiful home for the homeless. We eventually found a little area beyond some trees that we were able to hop over the fence again and get on the road. 

Two dirty bastards ready to take the subway back to mainland China but not before some shitty McDonald’s.

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